Just as fast as this year began, it is finished... wow! Just a few weeks ago I was telling my mom that 2010 might be the best year I've had yet. As I reflect on this I decided - it is.
Sure, 2010 was filled with tribulations. Nothing is unmitigated. It is the imperfections in life that make life, well, life. Who likes breaking up? Who likes when their best friend moves to another state? Who likes watching their beloved dog get old (don't deny it, Dad...)? I realize now, I am thankful for the struggles. Sometimes it is not about doing what you "like". These situations have made me stronger, wiser. It has made me appreciate life. Plus, I'm learning how to focus my thoughts onto the positives in my life .... Mind Control [something else to add the things to work on list] A glimpse @ 2010 highlights
- Graduating from college, while sitting next to my brother.
- Traveling Europe with two of my favorite people in the world. - Cruising to Alaska with the Scholey clan. - Driving to Yellowstone & watching my cousin get married (the first of 12!). - Skiing Mt. Ashland over spring break. - My surprise 22nd birthday party. - 1st trip to Seattle (How I'd never been there before is beyond me!!?!). - Meeting Hayley (thank you facebook marketplace). - Rekindling an old, cherished friendship. - Acceptance to (and starting!) graduate school.
I'm capping off new years with my dearest friends sisters. Life-long friends are rare, and I am beyond blessed to have a few. Despite this whole "growing up" thing (which means spending less time together), I hold them close in my heart always. ♥
I was listening to my old iPod when a song by The Script {"Breakeven"} (see below) came on. I had not heard the song in ages because [#1] I only listen to pandora on my computer and [#2] my new(er) iPod is always synced with a friend's. I do not pirate music, so my musical selection is minimal to say the least. PLUS I get bored easily, variety is the spice of my life (along with Tapatio)
Either way while the song flooded my mind, so did memories. Music is like magic. Suddenly I am thrown into another place, another time.
.....I'm on a minibus (which is among the most popular vehicle in SA -- American terms = VW Van) with the other Oregonian interns. And, typical me, I am the only intern who didn't pack an MP3 player. How the hell was I supposed to charge the thing, anyways? Yet my dearest pal, Andy, shared an earbud to his with me on every car trip we went on together, no matter the distance. Each time extending a little piece of joy to me, as if I were to refuse it would upset him. I was enlightened with so many new artists and songs. Songs with lyrics that really spoke to me...
The Script's album is playing. It seems every song is about falling in love, or falling out of it. I can see the rolling hills of KwuaZulu-Natal, a tear emerging. Characteristically, I am absorbing it before it can be spotted. I am heartbroken at the time. The first boy to ever break my heart, and I am a thousand miles from anyone who knows my middle name (let alone, the name of the boy making me sad). All I needed was a hug from my mom. Well, and maybe, for my dad to go kick some ass.
It is implausible to me that just the first few beats of a melody has the ability ensue such old emotion. Coincidentally someone I value reminded me today, how is it that I can remember the lyrics to every song on my computer? Is it not disgusting that I have wasted my memory on this? Very true, don't we all wish it was so easy to memorize lecture slides with such ease! Yet, the memory has not been wasted my dear friend. A jam session with my dad today revealed this insanity. He has not played the guitar in 20 years. Yet is able to remember the cords just well enough --along with a knowledge base of the melody-- to play a song he serenaded my mom with decades ago.
I love this song. I am fascinated that this song used to make me mourn my first love, and now it makes me mourn the one who introduced me to it (and South Africa in general). I just know that, when a heart breaks it does not break even.
I have had a change of heart. A rarity for a headstrong aries. A revelation, of which my mom will be beyond pleased.
I do not like running alone.
Especially at night.
It is not peaceful, in fact, it is quite the contrary.
I used to love this activity as a solitary one. It seemed unusual to be with another, running side-by-side. Why??? Well, silence can be uncomfortable. It's not that I have ever been a recluse, but perhaps this idea used to deter me. Seriously. On some of my runs, communication is not a possibility. I may not have the breath to verbally transmit information. As I've gotten older this is no longer uncomfortable for me. I believe time spent together in silence actually strengthens relationships. These moments are binding.
I yearn for companionship.
Prior to my run last night, I was catching up with my mom. She attempted to deter me from the work out -- ordering me to stay in, be cozy, and watch a NetFlix. Naturally, I resisted -- I did grab my "jogger-fogger". About a mile in I found myself alone, cold, dark. Feelings I hate. The insecurity and emptiness were overwhelming. Maybe it is just that my moms worries were weighing heavy on me last night. Either way, for the time being, next time I feel the need for mental relief late I night I will practice yoga. I like the way it makes me feel better anyways...
A deadline is moved up, so this is no time for hesitating. Just get going already!
Astrology gets me jazzed; I find amusement in reading horoscopes -- even of the other zodiacs. Whenever I read Aries, I read Gemini. The compatibility of the two signs is strong. Always have, always will. Today's was right on the mark. Surprised? Never! Today's implication? Christmas Shopping. I seriously need to 'get going already', today is the last day I can order anything online and except it's arrival by Jesus's birthday. While this short time-frame be stressful for some, I find it thrilling. Mildly disturbing? Maybe.
Perhaps I have the energy to conquer my shopping list due to the day of relaxation I had yesterday. My prescription for rejuvenation? A 6 mile run, follow with a generous dose of FroYo. After a long nights rest, proceed by laying in a comfortable bed or couch, and watch a movie series (recommendation? The Twilight Saga). Keep movements to a minimum, only leaving the bed for food. Side effects may include in muscle stiffness and drowsiness. I encourage a short walk (or yoga) between movies with a dear friend to reduce side effects.
I could not feel better. In a few short hours I will be off work. A quick stop at the music store with Josh (full time flight instructor, part time music guru) is on the agenda. Have I mentioned how thankful I am for this job? Who knew this part-time job, obtained from craigslist no less, would end up being such a blessing? Those close to me last year will especially remember the tribulation and doubt affiliated with the airport. A true gift in disguise. I doubted this gig to the max last year, I am so thankful I persevered through the tough times. I attribute a large portion of my happiness to this place. As I get older, it amazes me more and more how much time truly changes everything. The people I have met (both co-workers and customers!) have influenced my life. I am grateful for these CAS friends, connections are priceless.
After feeding my musical hunger this afternoon, I will head out and face the Christmas shopping frenzy with the girls. Who knows? Maybe even a long run tonight with my running partners.
Patience is the companion of wisdom. ~ Saint Augustine
December has been a month of learning. And I am not alluding to anything remotely revolving in the world of academia. I have officially enrolled in the kindergarten of music and -- this might be a stretch -- the elementary ages of manual car driving. Fortunately, I have been blessed with the most patient, inspiring, constructively criticizing instructors on gods good earth. I think Saint Augustine is incredibly bright; my teachers have been without frustration. My teachers calmness, especially in situations which are stressful to me, is admirable. I believe each one those who have worked alongside me is wiser beyond they have ever given themselves credit for.
The stick driving is going well, at least is is now. I still avoid parking on hills, reversing, and parallel parking. Fifth gear is becoming more comfortable, but I have an innate fear after the "incident" on I-5. Going 20mph in the fast lane was traumatic to say the least, thank you Kim for being my remedy. And thank you Jeff. Thank you Mick. Thank you Mom, your a wonderful navigator with infectious laughter. I hear you voice (especially telling me to "gear it up") when I'm in your car. I'm taking good care of it, I promise. Thank you Dad, coal mine road has made me stronger - as have you.
My passion for music is growing exponentially. I can frequently be found practicing my strum patterns at work or walking around town. Rhythm still remains the most difficult aspect. Yet I am thrilled with this pastime, I love learning new songs and practicing major chords. YouTube.com has been a remarkable educational tool when my instructors are unavailable. I feel anxious and ready to leave this novice level, but I am keeping the words of Saint Francis de Sales and Saint Augustine in my heart. As if it will suddenly increase my own musical skills, I have this fervent desire to have my own guitar. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas ...oh wait, it is!
Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.
I find it baffling to look back at where I was exactly one year to this date. I remember listening to my best friend talk about finishing her first term of grad school, expressing her feelings of exhaustion and exhilaration simultaneously. I remember her fearing for the next term, questioning if she had the energy (mental and physical) to complete it. And she did, and she finished exceptionally. I always knew she would, she is incredible. Her extraordinary measures are motivating to me, more than ever right now.
I find it baffling to look back at where I was three months ago. Running blindly into a new field which I had little academic experience in. Had it been a foot race, I might have felt more confident. I sized up my colleagues, listening to them detail their outstanding life experiences. I felt unqualified, doubting my place in the program especially since I am among the youngest in the program (if not the youngest, April is a decently late b-day). Classes began, midterms came. The classmates I had idealized as intelligent -- the ones who spoke frequently in discussions, the ones with the phenomenal vocabulary, the ones with the outspoken opinions -- more so than I thought of myself, scored lower than me. Significantly lower. I have learned so much this term, not solely about public health; about life. Talk is cheap. Sure, I need to learn how to present myself in an elevated manner like my classmates love to (the art of bull-shitting is worth a pot of gold in grad school). At the same time, I am beginning to see through others bull shit ....and I am slowly beginning to realize the worth within myself.
My heart is in science. My heart is in evidence. My heart is in truth.
Term one, survived. I am thrilled that winter break has begun, I am thrilled to have the time to spend with people I love. I get to see my beloved Brophy's tomorrow. I'm ecstatic, and the plans are in the works to be reunited with my other two-thirds. I miss my family, my dog, and my two best friends more than anything.
When I think about it, it hurts. So I try not to think about it, the result? Contribution to my emotional numbness. When I try to feel it, I can't. So to feel, I run. And then I feel. I feel everything.
First guitar lesson (since starting the blog, it's technically my 3rd) tonight. I'm very much looking forward to my first loaner guitar, and am looking even more forward to purchasing a my own over winter break.
song list
Every song ever made by Taylor Swift
Select Nirvana numbers (anger release)
"When the World Ends" -DMB
"i've got it all (most)" -modest mouse
Playing music is hard for me. Along with dancing, drawing, singing, really anything that involves rhythm or remotely involves hand-eye coordination.
I am not kidding. Honestly, I can say I find solving a physics problem easier than throwing a slow-pitch softball. This is going to be a challenge, for me. I am methodical. This is why I like running, excuse me, love running. I place one foot in front of another, I handle the physical discomfort, I just do. I plan a running location and move my body there. Simple, systematic.
Playing music is anything but orderly, I cannot find the control over my hands like I can my legs. I cannot find the rhythm. Am I the only person in the world who can't strum?? Or tap my foot to the beat?? I struggle relaxing, being loose, letting go. Hmmmm...lesson to be learned? Slowing down has never been easy for this sprinter. I think I need to start practicing yoga again.... I will.
